Loc. 5092

Alam mo the best way you can move on is to have zero contact - no communication, no news, no updates, etc. That simple.

Alam mo rin almost everyone din said exactly the same thing to me. And look where i am?

Maybe kasi hindi ka nakikinig at at hindi mo ginagawa.

Maybe rin hindi lang talaga siya nagwwork.

Ayaw mong makinig.

Ayaw mong maniwala na hindi siya nagwork.

Sige nga?

Sige. Explain to me why after 7 or 8 years of not having him around i'm still talking about everything like it was like yesterday.

Oh. The Script?

Oh. Oo nga noh? Haha.

What do you mean?

When we broke up he wiped me out from his world. As in complete shift. He moved his whole world to UST then after he graduated he worked really hard for IBM. May contact ba kami nun? Technically yes. The unfriendly type of contact. Pero i hope you get my point. No contact or the mere intention of not having contact never really worked.

So what are you proposing? More contact.

Something like that. I was desperate.

Was?

I thought i could ask help from him. Discuss my fears and find out why I keep holding on.

It's kinda stupid asking him for that. I mean, ask help from someone to help you get over that same someone. Or you're just making an excuse to be close to him.

You know what's stupid? Drunk dialling someone who's not over you and ask them for help at 3 in the morning. Maybe i am. But i told you i was desperate. The distance never really solved anything.

Na-romanticize pa nga yata yung waiting game.

There's no such thing as drunk dialling.

I know. A HS classmate said that as well last night. But i didn't know he was drunk when i decided to come.

That's not what i mean. There's no such thing as drunk dialling, Abbey.

I don't want to talk about that.

Why? Because it fuels the flame?

No. Because drunk or not he needed help.

Ah. So you're still playing savior? The bearer of happiness?

I don't know how to respond to that.

You're hooked on Ralph because you still think he needs saving. That only you and you alone can love him that much.

Ralph doesn't need saving. He's been doing really well.

Up until that night. And somehow you felt validated because you secretly doubted his happiness and contentment if it's real.

I was really happy to see him again when he came back and i am really proud of what he had become (some parts), the some changes and some choices he made. He did what he had to do.

And you got hooked kasi he 'moved on' beautifully? You said it before. He's a 'have' person now and that he got it all figured out.

Yes i said that but i didn't get hooked back because of it. Alam mo are your arguing ba talaga with me? or dinudugtungan mo lang ng interpretation mo mga sinasabi ko?

Both. =)

So, where are we now?

You trying to be everything you need to be for him. When he needs saving you adjust and become the savior.

When he's doing good you adjust to become his biggest fan. I'm gonna keep on talking kasi i know you're gonna be silent after what i just said... Assuming that you are really not trying to win him back, I think what you're really doing is trying to make amends. You left him when you felt that you should've stayed and fought for him. He suffered and you weren't there for him. You're trying to be what you should have been before. And you're still living with the guilt, Abbey. And maybe you still really do love him but that is not what's most important anymore.

I was never really given a chance. To make amends.

If he doesn't give you that chance consciously or unconsciously whenever he puts his guard up that's not of your concern anymore. Forgive yourself, Abbey. Not having him back doesn't mean that you loved less. You have to let go of that thought. Truly loving him doesn't need a happy ending to prove that it is true and that it's there. Let me go back to what i was saying earlier. You've proven that you can be everything he needs you to be. Done na yun. This time you have to be everything that you need to be for yourself. What do you want for yourself?

What? Is Ralph in the context?

Kahit ano? What do you want.

I want to be Ralph's best friend?

OMG. Obesession!!!

Haha. Sorry. Sorry. Ang bigat naman kasi ng tanong. Pang-Miss universe eh parang yung mindset ko pang

Miss Krus na Ligas Toda lang.

It doesn't have to be all-encompassing. Yung gusto mo NOW. As in NOW.

Napanood mo ba yung Eternal Sushine of the Spotless Mind?

Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet? Yep!

I want my feelings to be wished away. Parang Do-Over?

I'm not a big fan of denial.

Denial is underrated. It is very useful. It can for example prevent one from committing premeditated drunk

calling. Haha.

Haha. You can't have that. You do have some close alternatives. And i know you're planning to go abroad.

Yeah. I'm just so scared i'm gonna miss out on alot of things. Pero who am i kidding? I'm here pa rin naman and yet i'm already missing them.

Yes, you'll miss out but you will also gain alot of things. Quits quits lang yan. You're not convinced??

Hmm.. Can i think about it more?

Sure. The soonest you decide the better. Remember the Goins guy? What he said? You can't change the world with indecision.

I'm not here to change the world. Ralph is my world. I can't change him.

Putang ina!

Joke lang. Pero. Hmm. Sige pag-iisipan ko. Wait.. what do i do from now on?

One day at a time. try to figure out who or what you need to be and go for it. You'll find the best version of yourself that way.

You sound like me. Riddle kaya yun.

One step at a time. Yun lang yun.

Ally had spermicidal gel. Some people have lottery tickets. I have Ralph. I need that in my life.

You're not gonna lose that by finding yourself, Abbey. What's essential will stay with you. If you think that that's an essential part of you wag ka matakot. And Abbey, wow.

Oh. Hey. Thanks.

Stained. Marked. Different.

Went to the office really really early so i can hang-out at Starbucks and catch up on my reading. I'm a big fan of the Iced Caramel Macchiato. I like the weird bitter taste with occassional sweetness from the caramel syrup. Some people say it tastes weird. Maybe i like it because it is weird. Maybe i want to be different. And maybe being different is just an illusion because i'm just not aware that alot of people actually like the bland, bitter taste of macchiato.

After taking in my order, the cashier asked me if i collect their stickers. I smiled (proudly..i'm sorry) and said no. I've never collected these stickers for as long as i can remember. Not because i don't like the planners per se or that i find the whole exercise emotionally (the hype) and financially (latte factor) depleting. It's just being like everyone else seems not so appealing to me. Or maybe i just like the thought of not being like everyone else. But maybe being different in this case is just an illusion. Who am i kidding? I may not be collecting those ludicrous planner stickers but i am drinking the same coffee brand just like everyone else.

As some of you would know, last week Ralph drunk dialed my number and asked me to come over his condo because he was so sick. This was 3:00 in the morning. When he got sober by lunctime, i joked that what he did was a total verbal / oral diarrhea. We both laughed about it. I thought that letting me in to his seemingly perfect life was also an invitation for me to open up. I tried telling him that he's not alone and that somehow everyone is living in quiet desperation to some degree. Sadly, he took this as a cue of me trying to win him back again.

When i think about how long i've loved him, i feel a strange mix of pride and humility. When everyone else is busy shuffling from one relationship to another, i feel a sense of peace knowing that i have something constant like Ralph (or the idea of Ralph) and that not everyone can have that privilege. And i thought that seperates me from everyone else. Alot of times too, it is a constant source of sadness. When people find out about how long I've waited for him and how much he still fills my life even in absentia, i've never encountered (as far as i can remember) a single soul telling me: Wow. I thought great loves are a myth. So unrelentless. All i get is: Move on. Let go. Hopia factory. Or the worst: Haha. Being this different from everyone else can get to you sometimes - the loneliness. I tried telling Ralph this but he didn't see it that way. Loving this long is different. But who am i kidding? I'm sure alot of people have loved someone longer than i have who suffer in silence. Silenced by their fears or their pride.

I think trying to be different can really be lonely. I think being different is lonely. But if the analogies i've set above are right, chances are the being different is just an illusion as well the loneliness it causes.

If you feel like raising a glass and give a toast to non-conformity, check out: Chris Guillebeau

Old Wounds

Met Jeff at P. Noval last night for a volleyball game near USTe. Rode a Quaipo bus from Don Antonio. Was a bit irritated by the traffic at G. Araneta. Sobrang tagal as in. Since i got stuck in the traffic, Jeff came in earlier than me and waited for me outside McDonald's. This is the second time we've met since he came back from Singapore. Hindi ko pa nga masyado na-iinda yung pagkawala niya and he's back na. Hehe. He arrived last October 04 and i got a "Hey Bitch" text from him. Oh welcome back, double bitch! Haha. He came over the office on a weeknight and treated me to dinner at Chicboy Insular in front of BPI. We talked talked talked. If i may quote Alanis: I've never felt this healthy before. Cheesy pero totoo. It's amazing how i can be with him and not have hopia thoughts in my mind. Sabi sa 500 Days of Summer, there are things that are not routinely told and you have to earn it pa. Can i count it as a milestone that i was the first person na sinabihan ni Jeff na uuwi siya aside from his family? =) Can i also count as a milestone na i was the first person he met when he got back (siyempre aside sa mga tao sa bahay nila)? Another one? He told me his ex has a new partner (second nga lang ako)... then his eyes got teary.

The moment he saw me while he was waiting outside McDo he immediately got rid of his cigarette and came to me like a child making sumbong. He said that after cyberstalking his ex's twitter account (an activity he has mastered for about a year now) he came into a conclusion that his ex is into someone. Can i just say that I'm not surprised? Pero still how sure ka? Sabi niya: Alam ko kasi Abbey kapag in love siya. Saka kinonfront ko na rin naman. Tapos umakbay na siya sa akin habang naglalakad kami sa Espana. His eyes was the saddest eyes i've seen for quite sometime. And i've seen that eyes before. He kept saying he didn't know what to do. Sobrang nalulungkot siya. Ayaw na daw niya na siya lagi yung iniiwan. He kept asking me: Alam mo yun? Alam mo yun? We walked together until we got to the court... So this is the Kapatiran court. Kinda weird kasi it's inside a dorm that looks like a frathouse that has some shade of kumbeto. Haha. We first saw Kenneth, i said HEY (in a loud "faggy' way). Jeff just said uy. Saw Marco next who was HOTT. kaya lang the becky HOTT variation. He came to me which is kinda awkward kasi we don't really talk. He's suspiciously 'friendly' or nahawaan lang ako ni Thone na lahat ng pumapansin sa akin feeling ko automatic na may gusto sa akin?? Anyway, had to cut the pleasantries kasi Jeff wasn;t finished making kwento. We sat at the concrete bleachers away from where Kenneth and the early birds are and Jeff's eyes were welling up. I know i've seen that eyes before.

That morning, i stayed at home because i had to fix a lot of things before my dad leaves for Thailand. When i got to finish them after lunch i asked for some files from the office be sent to me so i can work from home. The files were huge and my laptop is super slow sa pag download. So i decided to view muna my other emails. I have around 30k unread messages sa yahoo mail ko. From yahoo groups nung college, to FB, Multiply and Friendster notifications meron pa rin. I have a folder for OTP 85, Pending (work-related), Autumn Willow (for literary ek ek), Lyrics (for ayun lyrics ng songs), Pix (no need to explain), Jeruh (fave emails nung high school na na-salvage ko from my b_abs18@yahoo,com na account), Nu Skin (for more past life), and College Mems (College memories which include my THESIShell moments, uber daming business cases, Food request nung AMAC ako ng Se-RVC, some Ecosoc thingies - marketing/sponsorship letters, my favorite Alyansa discussions, and KL's emails... ayun.)

Matagal ko na rin na iniiwasan balikan yung nakaraan namin ni KL. Sa tuwing inaalala ko kasi meron at meron pa rin na kirot. I think next to Paeng eto na yung issue na napapatigil talaga ako at napapaisip, 2003. 2004. 2005. But nakita ko na sa email eh. So binasa ko na rin yung mga email exchanges namin. Looking back i wish i could've handled the KL-Ralph issue gracefully and with more class. Pero siguro nung time talaga na yun ang option ko lang talaga eh ipaglaban yung nararamdaman ko. At that time i thought confronting the two of them was the best option i had and spoiling their would-be romance is the only option i can think of to survive. I remember lang na sobrang naiinis ako kay Ralph na of all places sa UP Econ pa siya naghanap ng liligawan. And i am not in any way trying to justify what i did ha pero i acted differently when i found out that Ralph had a gf in USTe (Fay ata yun) and IBM (Uno). If i remember it right, i acted in much more civiliezed manner sa kanila..actually wala naman akong dealings with them pero what i mean is hindi ko naman sila ginulo or something. Siguro nag-panic lang ako at paranoid na feeling ko sinasadya ni Ralph na taga-econ ang ligawan niya so he could show me na 'this is what you gave up' or gusto niya lang ipakita na he is winning the break up.

Sometimes life has its ways of playing jokes thru coincidences. Here i was unearthing old emails that reminded me of old wounds and now Jeff is reminding me how painful it is when you find out that your past love who you still love ay meron ng bago. Basta kapag sumasagi talaga sa isip ko yung KL-Ralph sobrang nasasaktan pa rin ako. Like nung summer last year after namin maglaro sa Club 650 tapos magdidinner kami sa Carlos Pizza sa Capitol Hills parang natanong ni Paga kung saan kami sa birthday ko. Tapos sabi ni Ralph: kelan ulit birthday mo? sa July 17 di ba? (okay lang naman na makalimutan kasi napaka-possible naman nito) pero sundan ba naman ng: Si KL Nov blah blah blah ang birthday. Okay so baka paranoid lang ako na pinagcoconnect ko yung paglimot niya sa birthday ko at yung pagvolunteer niya na naaalala niya birthday ni KL pero (again) tama ba naman na sundan niya ng ganitong banat after kong sabihan na 'uy naalala mo pa talaga' ng: Of course, i care about K. So anu pa? I remember just smiling that time. As in really smiling kasi iniisip ko if iniisip ba talaga ni Ralph yung mga sinasabi niya. Pero again masakit kapag nabbring up.

I think i also felt that way when we slept over sa condo ni Ralph after our CDSL vs NEU reunion game sa St. Vincent last month. I was taking a look at his books na naka-display tapos nageempty siya ng piggy bank...tapos sabi niya: bigay ito ni KL saka yan saka yan... Hindi ko naman tinatanong.

Months after Paeng died Ralph told KL na he wanted to meet me. I think he said it to KL nung ininvite ni KL si Ralph for NuSkin. So pumunta siya sa Octagon pero inantok daw siya sa presentation so lumabas siya at ayun nag-usap sila ni KL tapos after that he met me na. we had dinner sa Mcdo sa likod. That was the night na he told me na i should stop waiting for something that won't come. That night din i told KL bout what we talked about and she sent me this email the morning after. This is one of the emails i saw when i was browsing yesterday:

sent by: kwdacera@chinabank.ph

sent to: rbramosjr@bpi.com.ph

06/20/2008 09:23 AM

Subject: him

Abbey,

Sorry di nako nakareply kagabi. nakatulog ako e. hehe.

Abs...I think youre still not over him. Its not normal to still be affected

by him. But of course abbey, your happiness is not tied to him. I think

though that much of your sadness is caused by him. I could be wrong,

syempre.

Abbey..kwento ko lang.

Dati, parati akong umiiyak kase I was really hurt, parang i dont deserve

all the emotional distress im getting just by being connected with him.

naisip ko nga nun, ang bait bait ko naman and i wasnt really looking for

love..bakit naman of all people God has to send him my way pa. When I

came back from Tokyo, he kind of promised that its going to be different

then...but nothing changed, he still cant figure out what he really wants.

I dont think he courted someone else, siguro occassional flirtings which is

normal but i dont think he courted the girl. Youve been with him, he isnt

that person naman diba? After a few months, he came back and told me na

sorry daw and di daw pala nya kaya na wala ako...or something to that

effect..hindi ko na talaga maalala kase sobrang past na....pero I decided

na nun na, I am never going to be more than friends with him. It just

wasnt worth it. 1. i wont change religions. 2. he might be gay. 3. i dont

remember ever being just happy with him...parang may sadness na kasama

parati. 4. i figured that i could live without him kase i was only drawn to

him because of the attention he's giving me which i dont normally get kase

di naman ako friendly with boys. 5. i realized in a month without him,

that i am doing just fine and that im getting better. Ever since I started

working, wala na talagang feelings..even nung mineet ko siya for his

pasalubong from new york tos sinundo ako ni erwin after, wala na

talaga...sabi ko nga sa kanya ang theme song namin yung COOL song ni gwen.

Our story ended bago pa tayo grumaduate : )

Nakwento ko lang. Kahit anong gawin nya ngayon, di nako maiiyak. I just

couldnt care less. Actually, kaya ko naisip na youre not over yet kase

feeling ko you wouldnt say the same for yourself when it comes to him.

Abbey. God takes something or someone away from us when he feels we

deserve someone/something better and when he knows he's sending someone or

something much much better.

I remember feeling super super bothered at jealous at guilty at sakit na halo-halo when i read this. I think the letter showed me the little details KL and Ralph had that i never knew. I felt guilty that i was a major contributor of the stress that KL and siguro si Ralph were experiencing at that time and hurt and jealous to know that Ralph actually said: Hindi niya kaya na wala si KL sa buhay niya. I think yung linya na ganyan hindi siya yung binibitiwan lang basta-basta. Mabigat siya. Pati yung pagpromise na 'things are gonna be different'. Di ba? I mean ibang level na yung love na magpapamove sayo na magbago! So minahal / mahal talaga ni Ralph si KL nun. Sa puntong ito babalik na naman tayo sa GUILTY. Yung feeling na bothered naman ay bilang reaction sa: but nothing changed, he still cant figure out what he really wants. Alam ko iniisip niyo. BAD!

Tinanong ako ni Jeff what yung next niya na gagawin. Sabi ko mas maganda if makahanap siya agad ng work and focus on that. I fear kasi na with all his extra time hindi maiiwasan na maisip niya lagi si ex. I also relayed to him na it would be better not to meet with his ex anymore kasi mas masasaktan lang siya lalo na na gusto niya malaman lahat ng detalye straight from his ex. Sabi ko unnecessary pain. (Ayan sorry na ulit. I've caused KL and Ralph so much unnecessary pain at ganun din naman sa side ko pero i deserve it). Sabi ni Jeff ayaw naman daw niya kasing maging in denial. Sabi niya gusto niya pagdaanan ito ng buong-buo. Sabi ko im not saying naman na i-deny mo yung pain and not go thru it at all. Go thru it yes pero yung mag-uungkat ka pa ng detalye eh alam mo naman na yung ending parang super hindi na kailangan. Kasalanan ito ni Maricel Soriano eh. Kasi ganito yung ginawa niya nung nalaman niya na si Diether na at si Claudine sa Separada (tama ba dito ba yun? yung merong linya na gusto ko malaman saan? kailan? paano? tapos meron din: iniwan kita para makapag-isip hindi para iPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGPALIT AKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! sabay sampal ng mga damit sa pez ni deither na - take note nasa hanger pa!) Well, balik kay Jeff. Ayun. Kinuwento ko lang kung saan ako nanggagaling. Kasi napunta din naman ako sa sitwasyon na yan, Lalo na yung hindi mapinta yung pez ko nung nalaman ko yung KL - Ralph na yan. Pero inassure naman niya na hindi siya manggugulo. Good for you, Huwag na huwag. I just hope na hindi na niya i-meet si ex or magimbestiga siya ng mas malalamim kasi baka masyado ng lumalim yung sugat at yung 4/5 years recovery mo ay maging 9 at counting din katulad ng akin. Actually, i think i'll never get over it. I mean losing Ralph and all. I think the moment i forget bout it is the moment na i also lose the lesson. Siguro i can get over Ralph but losing him? i doubt. I think i dawned on me after ng lecheng piggy bank at libro incident na yan. Basta siguro gagawin ko na lang kung anuman ang kailangan kong gawin para maka-survive (na walang ginugulo).

I got to play pala with JP Torres who was super lakas na nagtatago talaga ako kapag pumapalo siya. JP is from UST and MVP siya last UAAP Season sa volleyball. He's also part nung team na nag-4peat champions. Kasama din dun si Ja Sioson who is (may Candy mag pa rin ba??) a Candy Cutie. Member din siya ng USTe. Ayun cute nga. Malakas pero mejo maliit lang pala, Or super malaki lang talaga si JP? So mejo may starstruck moment ako habang naglalaro pero i tried very hard not to be too dreamy kasi baka nga tamaan ako sa mukha. It feels so nice to see them again (Project 8 payers - JT / P. Manila) and newbies like former UST and FEU players pati na rin UST Eng'g team ni Coach Ucang, nandun din si Zeus na super tagal kong hindi nakita and siyempre my BPI teamates: Jeff, Kenneth and Mark. Coach Ucang was there din pala. Btw, this DLSU kid Gian? Hmmm...

After nung game Ucang went home sa dorm para maligo while Jeff, Kenneth, Gian and I were waiting for him sa KFC Espana. Btw, i super love Munar. I think she's one of the funniest people i know. Sobrang walang dull moment. Tapos Gian left na. Grabe he lives in Las Pinas at halos 12:00 midnight na nun. Tapos Ken U came na. So sinamahan namin si Jeff magwithdraw ng 15K tapos hinold-up namin siya and forced him to libre kami ng Mogu Mogu sa Ministop. Ayun. Ken U made kwento about his law life. Kenneth asked me about KY Gel. Haha. And Jeff ayun malungkot. Nag-usap pala kami ng mga next career moves. I think we all had this informal understanding that we will be joining Jeff soon at JP Morgan Chase! Sobrang namiss ko pala ang grupong ito. Admittedly when Jeff left medyo nawalan ako ng gana mag-ayos ng team events after JZA Cup,

We rode a taxi nung pauwi. Mula USTe hanggang sa gate namin Php200.00! Yikes. Latte-factor pero no choice, Parang buwis buhay kasi ang jeep! When i got home i got a text from Mark na namiss niya kami lahat and we should play again. Nagreply ako na Friday ulit =) Midnight Volleyball is back. Bye Bye Belly mode na naman. Then i got this text from Kenneth na super na-assure ako: Jeff and Abbey, ingat kau. May work lang tom. I miss you both. tnx sa libre jeff. pag free ulit tyong lht, more tambay. nyt sa inyo. Sometimes life has this way of reminding you bout painful past experiences. Sometimes din life has its way of re-assuring you that it compensates or gives room for what you really need. So tama rin si KL sa letter niya sa akin. At ayun pa pala. Bothered. Guilty. Jealous. Hurt... Hope. The last part of the letter gave me Hope as well.