This.

-llou

Loc. 5092

Alam mo the best way you can move on is to have zero contact - no communication, no news, no updates, etc. That simple.

Alam mo rin almost everyone din said exactly the same thing to me. And look where i am?

Maybe kasi hindi ka nakikinig at at hindi mo ginagawa.

Maybe rin hindi lang talaga siya nagwwork.

Ayaw mong makinig.

Ayaw mong maniwala na hindi siya nagwork.

Sige nga?

Sige. Explain to me why after 7 or 8 years of not having him around i'm still talking about everything like it was like yesterday.

Oh. The Script?

Oh. Oo nga noh? Haha.

What do you mean?

When we broke up he wiped me out from his world. As in complete shift. He moved his whole world to UST then after he graduated he worked really hard for IBM. May contact ba kami nun? Technically yes. The unfriendly type of contact. Pero i hope you get my point. No contact or the mere intention of not having contact never really worked.

So what are you proposing? More contact.

Something like that. I was desperate.

Was?

I thought i could ask help from him. Discuss my fears and find out why I keep holding on.

It's kinda stupid asking him for that. I mean, ask help from someone to help you get over that same someone. Or you're just making an excuse to be close to him.

You know what's stupid? Drunk dialling someone who's not over you and ask them for help at 3 in the morning. Maybe i am. But i told you i was desperate. The distance never really solved anything.

Na-romanticize pa nga yata yung waiting game.

There's no such thing as drunk dialling.

I know. A HS classmate said that as well last night. But i didn't know he was drunk when i decided to come.

That's not what i mean. There's no such thing as drunk dialling, Abbey.

I don't want to talk about that.

Why? Because it fuels the flame?

No. Because drunk or not he needed help.

Ah. So you're still playing savior? The bearer of happiness?

I don't know how to respond to that.

You're hooked on Ralph because you still think he needs saving. That only you and you alone can love him that much.

Ralph doesn't need saving. He's been doing really well.

Up until that night. And somehow you felt validated because you secretly doubted his happiness and contentment if it's real.

I was really happy to see him again when he came back and i am really proud of what he had become (some parts), the some changes and some choices he made. He did what he had to do.

And you got hooked kasi he 'moved on' beautifully? You said it before. He's a 'have' person now and that he got it all figured out.

Yes i said that but i didn't get hooked back because of it. Alam mo are your arguing ba talaga with me? or dinudugtungan mo lang ng interpretation mo mga sinasabi ko?

Both. =)

So, where are we now?

You trying to be everything you need to be for him. When he needs saving you adjust and become the savior.

When he's doing good you adjust to become his biggest fan. I'm gonna keep on talking kasi i know you're gonna be silent after what i just said... Assuming that you are really not trying to win him back, I think what you're really doing is trying to make amends. You left him when you felt that you should've stayed and fought for him. He suffered and you weren't there for him. You're trying to be what you should have been before. And you're still living with the guilt, Abbey. And maybe you still really do love him but that is not what's most important anymore.

I was never really given a chance. To make amends.

If he doesn't give you that chance consciously or unconsciously whenever he puts his guard up that's not of your concern anymore. Forgive yourself, Abbey. Not having him back doesn't mean that you loved less. You have to let go of that thought. Truly loving him doesn't need a happy ending to prove that it is true and that it's there. Let me go back to what i was saying earlier. You've proven that you can be everything he needs you to be. Done na yun. This time you have to be everything that you need to be for yourself. What do you want for yourself?

What? Is Ralph in the context?

Kahit ano? What do you want.

I want to be Ralph's best friend?

OMG. Obesession!!!

Haha. Sorry. Sorry. Ang bigat naman kasi ng tanong. Pang-Miss universe eh parang yung mindset ko pang

Miss Krus na Ligas Toda lang.

It doesn't have to be all-encompassing. Yung gusto mo NOW. As in NOW.

Napanood mo ba yung Eternal Sushine of the Spotless Mind?

Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet? Yep!

I want my feelings to be wished away. Parang Do-Over?

I'm not a big fan of denial.

Denial is underrated. It is very useful. It can for example prevent one from committing premeditated drunk

calling. Haha.

Haha. You can't have that. You do have some close alternatives. And i know you're planning to go abroad.

Yeah. I'm just so scared i'm gonna miss out on alot of things. Pero who am i kidding? I'm here pa rin naman and yet i'm already missing them.

Yes, you'll miss out but you will also gain alot of things. Quits quits lang yan. You're not convinced??

Hmm.. Can i think about it more?

Sure. The soonest you decide the better. Remember the Goins guy? What he said? You can't change the world with indecision.

I'm not here to change the world. Ralph is my world. I can't change him.

Putang ina!

Joke lang. Pero. Hmm. Sige pag-iisipan ko. Wait.. what do i do from now on?

One day at a time. try to figure out who or what you need to be and go for it. You'll find the best version of yourself that way.

You sound like me. Riddle kaya yun.

One step at a time. Yun lang yun.

Ally had spermicidal gel. Some people have lottery tickets. I have Ralph. I need that in my life.

You're not gonna lose that by finding yourself, Abbey. What's essential will stay with you. If you think that that's an essential part of you wag ka matakot. And Abbey, wow.

Oh. Hey. Thanks.

Stained. Marked. Different.

Went to the office really really early so i can hang-out at Starbucks and catch up on my reading. I'm a big fan of the Iced Caramel Macchiato. I like the weird bitter taste with occassional sweetness from the caramel syrup. Some people say it tastes weird. Maybe i like it because it is weird. Maybe i want to be different. And maybe being different is just an illusion because i'm just not aware that alot of people actually like the bland, bitter taste of macchiato.

After taking in my order, the cashier asked me if i collect their stickers. I smiled (proudly..i'm sorry) and said no. I've never collected these stickers for as long as i can remember. Not because i don't like the planners per se or that i find the whole exercise emotionally (the hype) and financially (latte factor) depleting. It's just being like everyone else seems not so appealing to me. Or maybe i just like the thought of not being like everyone else. But maybe being different in this case is just an illusion. Who am i kidding? I may not be collecting those ludicrous planner stickers but i am drinking the same coffee brand just like everyone else.

As some of you would know, last week Ralph drunk dialed my number and asked me to come over his condo because he was so sick. This was 3:00 in the morning. When he got sober by lunctime, i joked that what he did was a total verbal / oral diarrhea. We both laughed about it. I thought that letting me in to his seemingly perfect life was also an invitation for me to open up. I tried telling him that he's not alone and that somehow everyone is living in quiet desperation to some degree. Sadly, he took this as a cue of me trying to win him back again.

When i think about how long i've loved him, i feel a strange mix of pride and humility. When everyone else is busy shuffling from one relationship to another, i feel a sense of peace knowing that i have something constant like Ralph (or the idea of Ralph) and that not everyone can have that privilege. And i thought that seperates me from everyone else. Alot of times too, it is a constant source of sadness. When people find out about how long I've waited for him and how much he still fills my life even in absentia, i've never encountered (as far as i can remember) a single soul telling me: Wow. I thought great loves are a myth. So unrelentless. All i get is: Move on. Let go. Hopia factory. Or the worst: Haha. Being this different from everyone else can get to you sometimes - the loneliness. I tried telling Ralph this but he didn't see it that way. Loving this long is different. But who am i kidding? I'm sure alot of people have loved someone longer than i have who suffer in silence. Silenced by their fears or their pride.

I think trying to be different can really be lonely. I think being different is lonely. But if the analogies i've set above are right, chances are the being different is just an illusion as well the loneliness it causes.

If you feel like raising a glass and give a toast to non-conformity, check out: Chris Guillebeau

"It's hard to show people everything, you know? You never know what they'll do with it once they have it."

-llou

Curve Balls

Last weekend was definitely unexpected. Naku dapat pala kumuha ako ng Nursing units as elective nung college. Bwahaha.

Past tense yan ha.

I hope you find someone to take care of you real soon.

Train 2011

Game?!

Nasa Php1,300.00 lang ang Upper Box B! After nito malamang may libreng dinner from Jervin kasi birthday niya nito =)

And in the midst of sailing ships / We sink our lips into the ones we love / That have to say goodbye...
'Cause when I look to the sky / Something tells me you're here with me / And you make everything alright

Let's GO! So far confirmed na si Lynn, Jervin, at Mako.

-abbey

Promise me one thing...

When this is all over, when we're all done playing our games, promise me you'll come look for me.  No matter what, no matter where life takes us, no matter who we end up with. Look for me.

-llou

Passive-Agressive

Passive-Agressive ba ako? ='(

• Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of creating a feeling of insecurity in others or of disguising one's own insecurities.
• Chronically being late and forgetting things: another way to exert control or to punish.
• Fear of competition
• Fear of dependency
• Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: The passive–aggressive often cannot trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
• Making chaotic situations
• Making excuses for non-performance in work teams
• Obstructionism
• Procrastination
• Sulking
• Victimization response: instead of recognizing one's own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.

Should i get help? ='(

- abbey

Jason Mraz and the Hopia Factory

Based on the FB posts on Jason Mraz' concert...mukhang magical ang evening. I super regret not being able to see it. Lalo na ng nalaman kong kinanta niya ang I Won't Give Up. I think isa na ito sa pinaka-hopia songs ever written.

"I Won't Give Up"

By Jason Mraz

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
So much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools, the skills we've got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

So easy is our life
What's mine is yours and yours mine
Hardly do we ever fight
We'd rather be kind

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get dark
I'm healing this broken heart
And I know I'm worth it

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, I am love
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

No I won't give up on us
God knows I've had enough
We got a lot to learn
And we're, and we're worth it

No I won't give up
No I won't give up

Ano kaya feeling kapag kinakantahan ka nito? Or qualified ka ba kantahin ito? I think one of the perks na pagiging owner ng isang Hopia Factory ay ang pagkakaroon ng 'K' kantahin ito at isabuhay. Haha.

God knows we're worth it...

Dami pala ako kwento about my super long weekend. Kapag nagka-time ako.

-abbey