Went to the office really really early so i can hang-out at Starbucks and catch up on my reading. I'm a big fan of the Iced Caramel Macchiato. I like the weird bitter taste with occassional sweetness from the caramel syrup. Some people say it tastes weird. Maybe i like it because it is weird. Maybe i want to be different. And maybe being different is just an illusion because i'm just not aware that alot of people actually like the bland, bitter taste of macchiato.
After taking in my order, the cashier asked me if i collect their stickers. I smiled (proudly..i'm sorry) and said no. I've never collected these stickers for as long as i can remember. Not because i don't like the planners per se or that i find the whole exercise emotionally (the hype) and financially (latte factor) depleting. It's just being like everyone else seems not so appealing to me. Or maybe i just like the thought of not being like everyone else. But maybe being different in this case is just an illusion. Who am i kidding? I may not be collecting those ludicrous planner stickers but i am drinking the same coffee brand just like everyone else.
As some of you would know, last week Ralph drunk dialed my number and asked me to come over his condo because he was so sick. This was 3:00 in the morning. When he got sober by lunctime, i joked that what he did was a total verbal / oral diarrhea. We both laughed about it. I thought that letting me in to his seemingly perfect life was also an invitation for me to open up. I tried telling him that he's not alone and that somehow everyone is living in quiet desperation to some degree. Sadly, he took this as a cue of me trying to win him back again.
When i think about how long i've loved him, i feel a strange mix of pride and humility. When everyone else is busy shuffling from one relationship to another, i feel a sense of peace knowing that i have something constant like Ralph (or the idea of Ralph) and that not everyone can have that privilege. And i thought that seperates me from everyone else. Alot of times too, it is a constant source of sadness. When people find out about how long I've waited for him and how much he still fills my life even in absentia, i've never encountered (as far as i can remember) a single soul telling me: Wow. I thought great loves are a myth. So unrelentless. All i get is: Move on. Let go. Hopia factory. Or the worst: Haha. Being this different from everyone else can get to you sometimes - the loneliness. I tried telling Ralph this but he didn't see it that way. Loving this long is different. But who am i kidding? I'm sure alot of people have loved someone longer than i have who suffer in silence. Silenced by their fears or their pride.
I think trying to be different can really be lonely. I think being different is lonely. But if the analogies i've set above are right, chances are the being different is just an illusion as well the loneliness it causes.
If you feel like raising a glass and give a toast to non-conformity, check out: Chris Guillebeau
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