Always.

-llou

NOW

"You've gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime" - Kate Monster, Avenue Q

Swallow Your Feelings

Swallow your feelings. Scoop them neatly and don’t let them spill or leave a stain. Chew them quickly – don’t savor them – just long enough to make them an unrecognizable mush before pushing them down to be dissolved in the acid below. Start small, just the ones you can handle: sadness when someone dies in a movie, anger at tech support. Those are the ones that make sense, that go down smooth.

Others are harder to swallow, the complex, multi-course meals made of layer after layer of uncertainty and guilt, warring flavors of disbelief and longing to believe, fear of getting what you want and fear of losing what you never had. It’s okay if you can’t choke them down right away, if they get stuck halfway and leave a lump in your throat, if they make you sick and some of them leak out through your eyes and nose or burst out of your mouth when you least expect it. It happens to the best of us. You just have to build up a tolerance. Consume them little by little, and before you know it, you’ll have room on your plate for something else, something better.

Just as you can’t remember the time before you ate solid food, soon it will become second nature. One day you’ll wonder when the last time you cried was, and find you can’t remember. That’s great, you’ll think, no one can hurt you now. No one can touch you. You are a pristine and impenetrable fortress of stoicism. Everything is blank and immaculate.

Carry on and don’t give it another thought. Not until someone asks you how you feel and you don’t have an answer because you just don’t know. Not until something happens and you laugh when you were supposed to cry because somewhere along the way the wires got crossed. Not until someone is sitting in front of you, spewing their feelings and begging for yours and all you can think is what a mess they’ve made in the place you’ve worked so hard to keep so tidy.

Swallow Your Feelings
By: Julie Beck
From: thoughtcatalog.com

Work-in-Progress. Soon.

-abbey

This.

-llou

Loc. 5092

Alam mo the best way you can move on is to have zero contact - no communication, no news, no updates, etc. That simple.

Alam mo rin almost everyone din said exactly the same thing to me. And look where i am?

Maybe kasi hindi ka nakikinig at at hindi mo ginagawa.

Maybe rin hindi lang talaga siya nagwwork.

Ayaw mong makinig.

Ayaw mong maniwala na hindi siya nagwork.

Sige nga?

Sige. Explain to me why after 7 or 8 years of not having him around i'm still talking about everything like it was like yesterday.

Oh. The Script?

Oh. Oo nga noh? Haha.

What do you mean?

When we broke up he wiped me out from his world. As in complete shift. He moved his whole world to UST then after he graduated he worked really hard for IBM. May contact ba kami nun? Technically yes. The unfriendly type of contact. Pero i hope you get my point. No contact or the mere intention of not having contact never really worked.

So what are you proposing? More contact.

Something like that. I was desperate.

Was?

I thought i could ask help from him. Discuss my fears and find out why I keep holding on.

It's kinda stupid asking him for that. I mean, ask help from someone to help you get over that same someone. Or you're just making an excuse to be close to him.

You know what's stupid? Drunk dialling someone who's not over you and ask them for help at 3 in the morning. Maybe i am. But i told you i was desperate. The distance never really solved anything.

Na-romanticize pa nga yata yung waiting game.

There's no such thing as drunk dialling.

I know. A HS classmate said that as well last night. But i didn't know he was drunk when i decided to come.

That's not what i mean. There's no such thing as drunk dialling, Abbey.

I don't want to talk about that.

Why? Because it fuels the flame?

No. Because drunk or not he needed help.

Ah. So you're still playing savior? The bearer of happiness?

I don't know how to respond to that.

You're hooked on Ralph because you still think he needs saving. That only you and you alone can love him that much.

Ralph doesn't need saving. He's been doing really well.

Up until that night. And somehow you felt validated because you secretly doubted his happiness and contentment if it's real.

I was really happy to see him again when he came back and i am really proud of what he had become (some parts), the some changes and some choices he made. He did what he had to do.

And you got hooked kasi he 'moved on' beautifully? You said it before. He's a 'have' person now and that he got it all figured out.

Yes i said that but i didn't get hooked back because of it. Alam mo are your arguing ba talaga with me? or dinudugtungan mo lang ng interpretation mo mga sinasabi ko?

Both. =)

So, where are we now?

You trying to be everything you need to be for him. When he needs saving you adjust and become the savior.

When he's doing good you adjust to become his biggest fan. I'm gonna keep on talking kasi i know you're gonna be silent after what i just said... Assuming that you are really not trying to win him back, I think what you're really doing is trying to make amends. You left him when you felt that you should've stayed and fought for him. He suffered and you weren't there for him. You're trying to be what you should have been before. And you're still living with the guilt, Abbey. And maybe you still really do love him but that is not what's most important anymore.

I was never really given a chance. To make amends.

If he doesn't give you that chance consciously or unconsciously whenever he puts his guard up that's not of your concern anymore. Forgive yourself, Abbey. Not having him back doesn't mean that you loved less. You have to let go of that thought. Truly loving him doesn't need a happy ending to prove that it is true and that it's there. Let me go back to what i was saying earlier. You've proven that you can be everything he needs you to be. Done na yun. This time you have to be everything that you need to be for yourself. What do you want for yourself?

What? Is Ralph in the context?

Kahit ano? What do you want.

I want to be Ralph's best friend?

OMG. Obesession!!!

Haha. Sorry. Sorry. Ang bigat naman kasi ng tanong. Pang-Miss universe eh parang yung mindset ko pang

Miss Krus na Ligas Toda lang.

It doesn't have to be all-encompassing. Yung gusto mo NOW. As in NOW.

Napanood mo ba yung Eternal Sushine of the Spotless Mind?

Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet? Yep!

I want my feelings to be wished away. Parang Do-Over?

I'm not a big fan of denial.

Denial is underrated. It is very useful. It can for example prevent one from committing premeditated drunk

calling. Haha.

Haha. You can't have that. You do have some close alternatives. And i know you're planning to go abroad.

Yeah. I'm just so scared i'm gonna miss out on alot of things. Pero who am i kidding? I'm here pa rin naman and yet i'm already missing them.

Yes, you'll miss out but you will also gain alot of things. Quits quits lang yan. You're not convinced??

Hmm.. Can i think about it more?

Sure. The soonest you decide the better. Remember the Goins guy? What he said? You can't change the world with indecision.

I'm not here to change the world. Ralph is my world. I can't change him.

Putang ina!

Joke lang. Pero. Hmm. Sige pag-iisipan ko. Wait.. what do i do from now on?

One day at a time. try to figure out who or what you need to be and go for it. You'll find the best version of yourself that way.

You sound like me. Riddle kaya yun.

One step at a time. Yun lang yun.

Ally had spermicidal gel. Some people have lottery tickets. I have Ralph. I need that in my life.

You're not gonna lose that by finding yourself, Abbey. What's essential will stay with you. If you think that that's an essential part of you wag ka matakot. And Abbey, wow.

Oh. Hey. Thanks.

Stained. Marked. Different.

Went to the office really really early so i can hang-out at Starbucks and catch up on my reading. I'm a big fan of the Iced Caramel Macchiato. I like the weird bitter taste with occassional sweetness from the caramel syrup. Some people say it tastes weird. Maybe i like it because it is weird. Maybe i want to be different. And maybe being different is just an illusion because i'm just not aware that alot of people actually like the bland, bitter taste of macchiato.

After taking in my order, the cashier asked me if i collect their stickers. I smiled (proudly..i'm sorry) and said no. I've never collected these stickers for as long as i can remember. Not because i don't like the planners per se or that i find the whole exercise emotionally (the hype) and financially (latte factor) depleting. It's just being like everyone else seems not so appealing to me. Or maybe i just like the thought of not being like everyone else. But maybe being different in this case is just an illusion. Who am i kidding? I may not be collecting those ludicrous planner stickers but i am drinking the same coffee brand just like everyone else.

As some of you would know, last week Ralph drunk dialed my number and asked me to come over his condo because he was so sick. This was 3:00 in the morning. When he got sober by lunctime, i joked that what he did was a total verbal / oral diarrhea. We both laughed about it. I thought that letting me in to his seemingly perfect life was also an invitation for me to open up. I tried telling him that he's not alone and that somehow everyone is living in quiet desperation to some degree. Sadly, he took this as a cue of me trying to win him back again.

When i think about how long i've loved him, i feel a strange mix of pride and humility. When everyone else is busy shuffling from one relationship to another, i feel a sense of peace knowing that i have something constant like Ralph (or the idea of Ralph) and that not everyone can have that privilege. And i thought that seperates me from everyone else. Alot of times too, it is a constant source of sadness. When people find out about how long I've waited for him and how much he still fills my life even in absentia, i've never encountered (as far as i can remember) a single soul telling me: Wow. I thought great loves are a myth. So unrelentless. All i get is: Move on. Let go. Hopia factory. Or the worst: Haha. Being this different from everyone else can get to you sometimes - the loneliness. I tried telling Ralph this but he didn't see it that way. Loving this long is different. But who am i kidding? I'm sure alot of people have loved someone longer than i have who suffer in silence. Silenced by their fears or their pride.

I think trying to be different can really be lonely. I think being different is lonely. But if the analogies i've set above are right, chances are the being different is just an illusion as well the loneliness it causes.

If you feel like raising a glass and give a toast to non-conformity, check out: Chris Guillebeau

"It's hard to show people everything, you know? You never know what they'll do with it once they have it."

-llou

Curve Balls

Last weekend was definitely unexpected. Naku dapat pala kumuha ako ng Nursing units as elective nung college. Bwahaha.

Past tense yan ha.

I hope you find someone to take care of you real soon.

Train 2011

Game?!

Nasa Php1,300.00 lang ang Upper Box B! After nito malamang may libreng dinner from Jervin kasi birthday niya nito =)

And in the midst of sailing ships / We sink our lips into the ones we love / That have to say goodbye...
'Cause when I look to the sky / Something tells me you're here with me / And you make everything alright

Let's GO! So far confirmed na si Lynn, Jervin, at Mako.

-abbey

Promise me one thing...

When this is all over, when we're all done playing our games, promise me you'll come look for me.  No matter what, no matter where life takes us, no matter who we end up with. Look for me.

-llou

Passive-Agressive

Passive-Agressive ba ako? ='(

• Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of creating a feeling of insecurity in others or of disguising one's own insecurities.
• Chronically being late and forgetting things: another way to exert control or to punish.
• Fear of competition
• Fear of dependency
• Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: The passive–aggressive often cannot trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
• Making chaotic situations
• Making excuses for non-performance in work teams
• Obstructionism
• Procrastination
• Sulking
• Victimization response: instead of recognizing one's own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.

Should i get help? ='(

- abbey

Jason Mraz and the Hopia Factory

Based on the FB posts on Jason Mraz' concert...mukhang magical ang evening. I super regret not being able to see it. Lalo na ng nalaman kong kinanta niya ang I Won't Give Up. I think isa na ito sa pinaka-hopia songs ever written.

"I Won't Give Up"

By Jason Mraz

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
So much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools, the skills we've got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

So easy is our life
What's mine is yours and yours mine
Hardly do we ever fight
We'd rather be kind

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get dark
I'm healing this broken heart
And I know I'm worth it

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, I am love
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

No I won't give up on us
God knows I've had enough
We got a lot to learn
And we're, and we're worth it

No I won't give up
No I won't give up

Ano kaya feeling kapag kinakantahan ka nito? Or qualified ka ba kantahin ito? I think one of the perks na pagiging owner ng isang Hopia Factory ay ang pagkakaroon ng 'K' kantahin ito at isabuhay. Haha.

God knows we're worth it...

Dami pala ako kwento about my super long weekend. Kapag nagka-time ako.

-abbey

Life Begins at 25

(Re-post of a blog I created when I was 26, with revisions)
 
Life begins at 40, they say. But I say, life begins at 25.

Would you agree with this- the choices we made 5 years ago is who we are right now?

If this is true, then, awareness must start at 25 or earlier so that by 30, we can already start living the life that we want.

It begins with awareness because we cannot go to where we want to be without knowing where we are now and where we want to be.

Does this mean that we should not be contented with what we have? Of course not. What I'm saying is, we should always yearn for more.

This is the advice that I encounter a lot and do my best to live by: dream big, believe, and achieve it;  never stop learning; love and laugh with all your heart so you can truly live; never, never ever miss anything (this I got from Jim Rohn); give.



Dream big, believe it, achieve it.

There was once a self-made millionaire, entrepreneur, author, and speaker who went to the Philippines and shared one of his success secrets. His name is Ty Bennett. According to Kevin Hall, Ty at age 29 already achieved what most would achieve by age 80. He dreamt, believed, and achieved. You know how he got started? He made a bucket list. I'd like you to hear from him first hand:

  
Done? I'm sure you learned a lot and I hope you take his advice to heart. If you want to learn more from him, visit him at www.leadershipinc.com.

What gets written gets done.  I made a dream book last July 2009. It's just a filler type of notebook where I allot 1 page per dream. I cut pictures from magazines or print from the net. I leave some space in the page where I can paste my pictures. It's fun making the dream book and I look at it almost everyday. Funny thing, some dreams I get even if I don't spend for it. Below are some of the pages marked "done".

Never stop learning.

We are the same person 5 years ago, except for the books we read and the people we meet. One is never too old to learn. So grab a book of your interest or talk to somebody interesting. You'll never know what treasures you can discover.

If you can't think of any book, just try to open the book that is readily available in our homes- the Bible. The Bible has a whole spectrum of knowledge, from relationship to entrepreneurship. For beginners, you can start with Psalms, Proverbs, or the New Testament.

If you don't know any interesting people, go around, meet new friends, do something outside of work, and outside of your home. Who knows, you might meet that person you need so you can accomplish the next item:

Love and laugh with all your heart. 

"Only the unseen power of love can open the hearts of men" -Og Mandino.

Love what you do.
Love unconditionally.
Laugh... 

Love - click here
Laugh - click here.

Never miss anything.   

Set priorities and commit not to miss anything.  A moment only takes a second to capture and only a second to lose. 

Have a journal so you can capture your thoughts.

Have a camera so you can capture moments.

Travel. See the world. Be present at special events. I'm not saying that you should say "yes" to every invitation you get. Again, set priorities. But when I get invited to a wedding, I do my best to attend even if it means traveling more than 8 hours just to get there. It's one of the special moments in my friend's life so I want to be there. 

Give.  

Share every knowledge, every talent that you have. Bo Sanchez, a successful entrepreneur and an advocate and proof of God's abundance shares that we have these resources that we can share: Time, Talent, Treasure. 

When we give, we realize that we get so much in return. Think of one the happiest moments of your life. Wasn't it the time that you were able to give? To share your talent, time, or treasure? The happiest people are the givers. One cannot sincerely help another without helping oneself in the process. Make every moment an opportunity to give. Give a smile to a stranger.

If you choose to be happy; cause another to be happy;
If you choose to be prosperous, cause another person to prosper;

If you choose more love in your life,
cause another to have more love in theirs.

By giving, you will then no longer be "wanting" it.
You will immediately experience "having" it.

-Barbel Mohr        

Life begins at 25. 
 
So if you are not yet 25, it's never too early to start. But, if you are past 25, it's never too late to begin.

We only have one life to live, make the most out of it. 

- Verna

Ang Dilim Ah.

So after church I went straight to the gym to workout.

During Sundays I usually see my freakishly cute crush but today I didn't see him. When I finally got over my frustration and started to focus on my routine, I saw him.

Oh my.

Hindi pa nya ako nakikita. Perfect. Kelangan ko ng drama.

Drama. We all love drama. And speaking of drama, again, perfect timing. Kasama ko si Jervin para may props. Hahaha

Ang drama: Sumabay ako kay Jervin maglakad habang nagkwekwentuhan, na di-halatang pilit syempre kahit pilit naman talaga (Well for me, since walang alam si Jervs sa mga nangyayari, ahihihi). And then it happened as I expected. Naka-titig nanaman sya when we passed. I gave him a quick stare while continuously talking para casual na casual ang dating (syempre alam nating lahat ang classic move na 'yan). He was focused. Which I like, though medyo katakot talaga paminsan. Then he checked kung sino ang kausap ko. Syempre todo smile naman ako habang nakikipag-usap para talagang pang eksena sa prime time. Hahaha.

He then went through his routines and I constantly keep tabs on his whereabouts (Keep tabs on his whereabouts, oh, magamit lang!). Ayun ganun pa din, palingon-lingon pa din sya pero medyo iwas ngayon (Insert BGM: Pasulyap-sulyap ni Tootsie Frooty Guevarra).

Oh my. Napapaisip tuloy ako baka kung ano ang iniisip nya sa kung sino ang kasama ko. Baka akala nya taken na ako at mawalan na sya ng gana mag-papansin. Oh my ulit. Ang feeling ko. Arte ko kasi. Hahaha. Dami kong iniisip 'yun naman pala deadmatology lang sya at ako lang talaga ang madaming iniisip. Pero okay lang. Ang sarap kaya mag-emote! Ahihihi. At yan ang dilemma.

 

Subway after, I tried Jervin's Thousand Island x Vinegar dressing, hindi naman masarap!

My Gym Buddy. Ang sikip na daw ng mga damit nya. Pakkkk!

 -llou

Hush

This is going to be my first entry so be warned: Drama is everywhere (First post kasi so parang general rule na dapat madamdamin, I think. My succeeding posts will be different na I promise. hehe).

I saw this crazy picture about how things were fifteen years ago and how things have changed over the years.

Eleven years old. That was me fifteen years ago. So what? The eleven-year-old me wouldn't have much of a concern in this blog, so let's move up a bit, say... ten years ago.

Sixteen. Sweet sixteen. High School Senior, when everyone wants to live like those kids from Dawson's Creek and where text messaging is on a high and owning a Nokia is a status symbol.

Who would've thought that I will be writing an entry about it ten years after. Oh my. To me ten years ago: Bitch, I know you always wanted to go to Ateneo but fate decided otherwise. You're going to La Salle! Hahaha.

Anyway enough on reminiscing, what I really want to write about is the perennial favorite topic of all. Sex Love.

Lately, I've been wanting to be in a serious relationship again. As in, serious. Like, hello, serious. As in, yeah. Hahaha. I've told some friends - Lynn, Zen, and Jervin about how I want it and how I know they also want it so what seems to be lacking that we can't have it?

Karma. Karma karma chameleon. That was my initial thought. But then again, the idea of karma can be very subjective as we always have ways to reason things out. So if it's not karma, then what is it? The movie What's your number? might have the answer for me. Well, maybe.

Sex. Yes, sex. C'mon sex is fun and it's like a normal thing to do. But then again, I'm a guy. Ruled by testosterone, yeah! It is so much fun being a guy. lol, so I guess the rules doesn't apply. For those who haven't seen the movie. Just watch it, saves me from explaining.

If it's not karma and having an active sex life doesn't have anything to do with it, then why the fuck am I still single for like three years? C'mon hindi ako pangit ah! Hahaha.

I have crushes. Oh, I have this gym crush and I feel that he has a crush on me too. Hihihi. I always catch him taking glances, wait, not glances but stares. Yes. He stares at me from afar. Well, not from afar, ang OA naman cos he wears glasses so if it's from afar parang imposible. Hahaha. Anyway, each time I see him staring at me he would look away. But after a while, he would look back and when I am not looking he would make his presence felt by walking infront of me at the same time staring at me. Quite freaky though, but he's cute so I guess it's freakishly cute! Hahaha.

So there, I don't know what will happen next to this gym crush or what will happen to my love life. But one thing I know for sure is that writing an entry on love sounds rather cheesy or corny even, than having it discussed over coffee with friends while checking out the cute barista and some hot patrons. Right bitches?

Bitches: Right!

*Oh and yeah, front act lang yun Fifteen Years Ago topic. Masabi lang. :)

-llou

Xmas Party Theme

An officemate kept me awake last night ranting about our xmas party theme. Ay wait. Not the theme per se but the manner of selecting the theme DAW. Really. Anyway, i won't go into details of what we talked about but hindi talaga siya makatulog unless maka-usap niya ako at ma-air ang side niya.

Whatever.

I'm not picking sides ha pero seriously? Losing sleep because of xams party theme?!

The moment these things...uber small things..bother you, it can only mean one thing: YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE!

Walang BUHAY = Maraming ISSUE.

And kung maliit na bagay lang ito why am i writing about it? Haha! Wala akong buhay! Haha!

-abbey

Old Wounds

Met Jeff at P. Noval last night for a volleyball game near USTe. Rode a Quaipo bus from Don Antonio. Was a bit irritated by the traffic at G. Araneta. Sobrang tagal as in. Since i got stuck in the traffic, Jeff came in earlier than me and waited for me outside McDonald's. This is the second time we've met since he came back from Singapore. Hindi ko pa nga masyado na-iinda yung pagkawala niya and he's back na. Hehe. He arrived last October 04 and i got a "Hey Bitch" text from him. Oh welcome back, double bitch! Haha. He came over the office on a weeknight and treated me to dinner at Chicboy Insular in front of BPI. We talked talked talked. If i may quote Alanis: I've never felt this healthy before. Cheesy pero totoo. It's amazing how i can be with him and not have hopia thoughts in my mind. Sabi sa 500 Days of Summer, there are things that are not routinely told and you have to earn it pa. Can i count it as a milestone that i was the first person na sinabihan ni Jeff na uuwi siya aside from his family? =) Can i also count as a milestone na i was the first person he met when he got back (siyempre aside sa mga tao sa bahay nila)? Another one? He told me his ex has a new partner (second nga lang ako)... then his eyes got teary.

The moment he saw me while he was waiting outside McDo he immediately got rid of his cigarette and came to me like a child making sumbong. He said that after cyberstalking his ex's twitter account (an activity he has mastered for about a year now) he came into a conclusion that his ex is into someone. Can i just say that I'm not surprised? Pero still how sure ka? Sabi niya: Alam ko kasi Abbey kapag in love siya. Saka kinonfront ko na rin naman. Tapos umakbay na siya sa akin habang naglalakad kami sa Espana. His eyes was the saddest eyes i've seen for quite sometime. And i've seen that eyes before. He kept saying he didn't know what to do. Sobrang nalulungkot siya. Ayaw na daw niya na siya lagi yung iniiwan. He kept asking me: Alam mo yun? Alam mo yun? We walked together until we got to the court... So this is the Kapatiran court. Kinda weird kasi it's inside a dorm that looks like a frathouse that has some shade of kumbeto. Haha. We first saw Kenneth, i said HEY (in a loud "faggy' way). Jeff just said uy. Saw Marco next who was HOTT. kaya lang the becky HOTT variation. He came to me which is kinda awkward kasi we don't really talk. He's suspiciously 'friendly' or nahawaan lang ako ni Thone na lahat ng pumapansin sa akin feeling ko automatic na may gusto sa akin?? Anyway, had to cut the pleasantries kasi Jeff wasn;t finished making kwento. We sat at the concrete bleachers away from where Kenneth and the early birds are and Jeff's eyes were welling up. I know i've seen that eyes before.

That morning, i stayed at home because i had to fix a lot of things before my dad leaves for Thailand. When i got to finish them after lunch i asked for some files from the office be sent to me so i can work from home. The files were huge and my laptop is super slow sa pag download. So i decided to view muna my other emails. I have around 30k unread messages sa yahoo mail ko. From yahoo groups nung college, to FB, Multiply and Friendster notifications meron pa rin. I have a folder for OTP 85, Pending (work-related), Autumn Willow (for literary ek ek), Lyrics (for ayun lyrics ng songs), Pix (no need to explain), Jeruh (fave emails nung high school na na-salvage ko from my b_abs18@yahoo,com na account), Nu Skin (for more past life), and College Mems (College memories which include my THESIShell moments, uber daming business cases, Food request nung AMAC ako ng Se-RVC, some Ecosoc thingies - marketing/sponsorship letters, my favorite Alyansa discussions, and KL's emails... ayun.)

Matagal ko na rin na iniiwasan balikan yung nakaraan namin ni KL. Sa tuwing inaalala ko kasi meron at meron pa rin na kirot. I think next to Paeng eto na yung issue na napapatigil talaga ako at napapaisip, 2003. 2004. 2005. But nakita ko na sa email eh. So binasa ko na rin yung mga email exchanges namin. Looking back i wish i could've handled the KL-Ralph issue gracefully and with more class. Pero siguro nung time talaga na yun ang option ko lang talaga eh ipaglaban yung nararamdaman ko. At that time i thought confronting the two of them was the best option i had and spoiling their would-be romance is the only option i can think of to survive. I remember lang na sobrang naiinis ako kay Ralph na of all places sa UP Econ pa siya naghanap ng liligawan. And i am not in any way trying to justify what i did ha pero i acted differently when i found out that Ralph had a gf in USTe (Fay ata yun) and IBM (Uno). If i remember it right, i acted in much more civiliezed manner sa kanila..actually wala naman akong dealings with them pero what i mean is hindi ko naman sila ginulo or something. Siguro nag-panic lang ako at paranoid na feeling ko sinasadya ni Ralph na taga-econ ang ligawan niya so he could show me na 'this is what you gave up' or gusto niya lang ipakita na he is winning the break up.

Sometimes life has its ways of playing jokes thru coincidences. Here i was unearthing old emails that reminded me of old wounds and now Jeff is reminding me how painful it is when you find out that your past love who you still love ay meron ng bago. Basta kapag sumasagi talaga sa isip ko yung KL-Ralph sobrang nasasaktan pa rin ako. Like nung summer last year after namin maglaro sa Club 650 tapos magdidinner kami sa Carlos Pizza sa Capitol Hills parang natanong ni Paga kung saan kami sa birthday ko. Tapos sabi ni Ralph: kelan ulit birthday mo? sa July 17 di ba? (okay lang naman na makalimutan kasi napaka-possible naman nito) pero sundan ba naman ng: Si KL Nov blah blah blah ang birthday. Okay so baka paranoid lang ako na pinagcoconnect ko yung paglimot niya sa birthday ko at yung pagvolunteer niya na naaalala niya birthday ni KL pero (again) tama ba naman na sundan niya ng ganitong banat after kong sabihan na 'uy naalala mo pa talaga' ng: Of course, i care about K. So anu pa? I remember just smiling that time. As in really smiling kasi iniisip ko if iniisip ba talaga ni Ralph yung mga sinasabi niya. Pero again masakit kapag nabbring up.

I think i also felt that way when we slept over sa condo ni Ralph after our CDSL vs NEU reunion game sa St. Vincent last month. I was taking a look at his books na naka-display tapos nageempty siya ng piggy bank...tapos sabi niya: bigay ito ni KL saka yan saka yan... Hindi ko naman tinatanong.

Months after Paeng died Ralph told KL na he wanted to meet me. I think he said it to KL nung ininvite ni KL si Ralph for NuSkin. So pumunta siya sa Octagon pero inantok daw siya sa presentation so lumabas siya at ayun nag-usap sila ni KL tapos after that he met me na. we had dinner sa Mcdo sa likod. That was the night na he told me na i should stop waiting for something that won't come. That night din i told KL bout what we talked about and she sent me this email the morning after. This is one of the emails i saw when i was browsing yesterday:

sent by: kwdacera@chinabank.ph

sent to: rbramosjr@bpi.com.ph

06/20/2008 09:23 AM

Subject: him

Abbey,

Sorry di nako nakareply kagabi. nakatulog ako e. hehe.

Abs...I think youre still not over him. Its not normal to still be affected

by him. But of course abbey, your happiness is not tied to him. I think

though that much of your sadness is caused by him. I could be wrong,

syempre.

Abbey..kwento ko lang.

Dati, parati akong umiiyak kase I was really hurt, parang i dont deserve

all the emotional distress im getting just by being connected with him.

naisip ko nga nun, ang bait bait ko naman and i wasnt really looking for

love..bakit naman of all people God has to send him my way pa. When I

came back from Tokyo, he kind of promised that its going to be different

then...but nothing changed, he still cant figure out what he really wants.

I dont think he courted someone else, siguro occassional flirtings which is

normal but i dont think he courted the girl. Youve been with him, he isnt

that person naman diba? After a few months, he came back and told me na

sorry daw and di daw pala nya kaya na wala ako...or something to that

effect..hindi ko na talaga maalala kase sobrang past na....pero I decided

na nun na, I am never going to be more than friends with him. It just

wasnt worth it. 1. i wont change religions. 2. he might be gay. 3. i dont

remember ever being just happy with him...parang may sadness na kasama

parati. 4. i figured that i could live without him kase i was only drawn to

him because of the attention he's giving me which i dont normally get kase

di naman ako friendly with boys. 5. i realized in a month without him,

that i am doing just fine and that im getting better. Ever since I started

working, wala na talagang feelings..even nung mineet ko siya for his

pasalubong from new york tos sinundo ako ni erwin after, wala na

talaga...sabi ko nga sa kanya ang theme song namin yung COOL song ni gwen.

Our story ended bago pa tayo grumaduate : )

Nakwento ko lang. Kahit anong gawin nya ngayon, di nako maiiyak. I just

couldnt care less. Actually, kaya ko naisip na youre not over yet kase

feeling ko you wouldnt say the same for yourself when it comes to him.

Abbey. God takes something or someone away from us when he feels we

deserve someone/something better and when he knows he's sending someone or

something much much better.

I remember feeling super super bothered at jealous at guilty at sakit na halo-halo when i read this. I think the letter showed me the little details KL and Ralph had that i never knew. I felt guilty that i was a major contributor of the stress that KL and siguro si Ralph were experiencing at that time and hurt and jealous to know that Ralph actually said: Hindi niya kaya na wala si KL sa buhay niya. I think yung linya na ganyan hindi siya yung binibitiwan lang basta-basta. Mabigat siya. Pati yung pagpromise na 'things are gonna be different'. Di ba? I mean ibang level na yung love na magpapamove sayo na magbago! So minahal / mahal talaga ni Ralph si KL nun. Sa puntong ito babalik na naman tayo sa GUILTY. Yung feeling na bothered naman ay bilang reaction sa: but nothing changed, he still cant figure out what he really wants. Alam ko iniisip niyo. BAD!

Tinanong ako ni Jeff what yung next niya na gagawin. Sabi ko mas maganda if makahanap siya agad ng work and focus on that. I fear kasi na with all his extra time hindi maiiwasan na maisip niya lagi si ex. I also relayed to him na it would be better not to meet with his ex anymore kasi mas masasaktan lang siya lalo na na gusto niya malaman lahat ng detalye straight from his ex. Sabi ko unnecessary pain. (Ayan sorry na ulit. I've caused KL and Ralph so much unnecessary pain at ganun din naman sa side ko pero i deserve it). Sabi ni Jeff ayaw naman daw niya kasing maging in denial. Sabi niya gusto niya pagdaanan ito ng buong-buo. Sabi ko im not saying naman na i-deny mo yung pain and not go thru it at all. Go thru it yes pero yung mag-uungkat ka pa ng detalye eh alam mo naman na yung ending parang super hindi na kailangan. Kasalanan ito ni Maricel Soriano eh. Kasi ganito yung ginawa niya nung nalaman niya na si Diether na at si Claudine sa Separada (tama ba dito ba yun? yung merong linya na gusto ko malaman saan? kailan? paano? tapos meron din: iniwan kita para makapag-isip hindi para iPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGPALIT AKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! sabay sampal ng mga damit sa pez ni deither na - take note nasa hanger pa!) Well, balik kay Jeff. Ayun. Kinuwento ko lang kung saan ako nanggagaling. Kasi napunta din naman ako sa sitwasyon na yan, Lalo na yung hindi mapinta yung pez ko nung nalaman ko yung KL - Ralph na yan. Pero inassure naman niya na hindi siya manggugulo. Good for you, Huwag na huwag. I just hope na hindi na niya i-meet si ex or magimbestiga siya ng mas malalamim kasi baka masyado ng lumalim yung sugat at yung 4/5 years recovery mo ay maging 9 at counting din katulad ng akin. Actually, i think i'll never get over it. I mean losing Ralph and all. I think the moment i forget bout it is the moment na i also lose the lesson. Siguro i can get over Ralph but losing him? i doubt. I think i dawned on me after ng lecheng piggy bank at libro incident na yan. Basta siguro gagawin ko na lang kung anuman ang kailangan kong gawin para maka-survive (na walang ginugulo).

I got to play pala with JP Torres who was super lakas na nagtatago talaga ako kapag pumapalo siya. JP is from UST and MVP siya last UAAP Season sa volleyball. He's also part nung team na nag-4peat champions. Kasama din dun si Ja Sioson who is (may Candy mag pa rin ba??) a Candy Cutie. Member din siya ng USTe. Ayun cute nga. Malakas pero mejo maliit lang pala, Or super malaki lang talaga si JP? So mejo may starstruck moment ako habang naglalaro pero i tried very hard not to be too dreamy kasi baka nga tamaan ako sa mukha. It feels so nice to see them again (Project 8 payers - JT / P. Manila) and newbies like former UST and FEU players pati na rin UST Eng'g team ni Coach Ucang, nandun din si Zeus na super tagal kong hindi nakita and siyempre my BPI teamates: Jeff, Kenneth and Mark. Coach Ucang was there din pala. Btw, this DLSU kid Gian? Hmmm...

After nung game Ucang went home sa dorm para maligo while Jeff, Kenneth, Gian and I were waiting for him sa KFC Espana. Btw, i super love Munar. I think she's one of the funniest people i know. Sobrang walang dull moment. Tapos Gian left na. Grabe he lives in Las Pinas at halos 12:00 midnight na nun. Tapos Ken U came na. So sinamahan namin si Jeff magwithdraw ng 15K tapos hinold-up namin siya and forced him to libre kami ng Mogu Mogu sa Ministop. Ayun. Ken U made kwento about his law life. Kenneth asked me about KY Gel. Haha. And Jeff ayun malungkot. Nag-usap pala kami ng mga next career moves. I think we all had this informal understanding that we will be joining Jeff soon at JP Morgan Chase! Sobrang namiss ko pala ang grupong ito. Admittedly when Jeff left medyo nawalan ako ng gana mag-ayos ng team events after JZA Cup,

We rode a taxi nung pauwi. Mula USTe hanggang sa gate namin Php200.00! Yikes. Latte-factor pero no choice, Parang buwis buhay kasi ang jeep! When i got home i got a text from Mark na namiss niya kami lahat and we should play again. Nagreply ako na Friday ulit =) Midnight Volleyball is back. Bye Bye Belly mode na naman. Then i got this text from Kenneth na super na-assure ako: Jeff and Abbey, ingat kau. May work lang tom. I miss you both. tnx sa libre jeff. pag free ulit tyong lht, more tambay. nyt sa inyo. Sometimes life has this way of reminding you bout painful past experiences. Sometimes din life has its way of re-assuring you that it compensates or gives room for what you really need. So tama rin si KL sa letter niya sa akin. At ayun pa pala. Bothered. Guilty. Jealous. Hurt... Hope. The last part of the letter gave me Hope as well.

26th of September Surprise

19.09.2011 - Sent the following message to a few of my friends:

I told my friend, our fellow Achiever, I'll make him cry (tears of joy) on his birthday (Sept 26) and I need your help. :):)
Guaranteed he's going to appreciate your greetings. Ang theme is, "May your dreams come true." I will send you a copy of the layout once it's done together with the success story. :):)
Please start your greeting with: Dear Robert... Send greeting by replying to this message.
Saka na kayo mang-intriga, tulungan nyo muna ako.
Sobrang ngayon ko lang gagawin to, kaya pagbigyan nyo sana ako. hehe
Thank you! Love you!

27.09.2011 - Sent the following message to the friends who replied. As promised.

Mission: Make Robert Cry (Tears of Joy) on His 26th Birthday
Lead: VernaTeam: Roan, Lowell, Rico, Rachelle, Aienne, Dani, Bonn, Rhauss, Aubrey

25.09.2011, Day Before Birthday:
Went to a Christian Rock Concert. Fun. Learning Experience. Good music. Great God.
Robert mentioned he is going to attend early morning mass at St. Michael Church in Bayani Road, Taguig.

SMS to Roan: Halu marekoy. How do I get to St. Michael church na malapit sa gate nyo? Magsisimba daw si Bitoy, I want to surprise him.

SMS from Roan: Sakay ka jeep sa guadalupe north bound. ang signage ay Gate 3. Pababa ka sa St. Michael (not exact words, nabura ko na kasi. :)

26.09.2011, Robert's Birthday

0000H - Still wide awake. Fussing about the final plans for the mission. See, plans were already done one week ago but I forgot to consider that Robert also has a family who would like to spend time with him on his birthday. So I have to make major changes. Plus, I went home to Cam Sur the other week, so the logistics of the original plan will be hard to work out.

0100H - Still awake. I composed a birthday message for Robert that goes like this: "26 on the 26th, so here are 26 things I like about you". Mahaba yun, so di ko na ilalagay. Plus, Robert has the one and only copy.
0200H - zzz...

0430H - I wake up with the sound of the alarm. It's raining. I was having second thoughts of going to Taguig. But I picture him alone at church on his birthday. And then alone again, going to work on his birthday, and it's raining, when I could have been there. I've been through a lot of alone birthdays and it was no fun. So I get up and get ready to leave.

0500H - Walk to Aurora.0505H - Jeep to Edsa0530H - MRT Cubao and pray that I make it on time. Taguig is still too far away.0545H - Jeep to Bayani Road. I make a quick call to Robert to greet him happy birthday and to make sure he's going to church, hoping he doesn't hear the jeepney's noise.

0610H - at St. Michael Church. He's not yet there. I call him again, greet him happy birthday and nonchalantly ask if he is on his way to chuch. I go inside the Church, it was cool, well-lighted, and smelled of roses. Nice. Still raining. I wait.
0615H - No sign of Robert. 

SMS to Roan: Gandang umaga! I'm at church. Wala pa si Bitoy. Di pa din nya alam. SMS from Roan: Aww... Good morning!

0625H - Like a naughty child waiting for her victim. I reminisce of the time I happened to be walking in Ayala minutes before 5pm and I knew he was going out of the office by 5. Imagine his surprise when he found me walking alongside him. Haha. He was so surprised, he was speechless for a couple of minutes. I got a lot of laughs. Hahahaha. Priceless...

0630H - Patience is a virtue. Mass starts. Am about to text him when he appears at the door. He finds a seat. I am 5 rows behind him. He does not see me. Quietly, I walk toward him and stand beside him. He looks to his side to see who stands so close to him when there are about more than 100 other empty seats. Then he sees me. 
Definitely surprised, speechless, and happy.
Five minutes into the mass, I can still see him staring at the altar, shaking his head in disbelief, and preventing himself from smiling. I am smiling too... Priceless...
Surprise #1. Done! 

0950H - Surprise #2. A small gift in a small box, with a small note. Given after breakfast at Jobee, and Robert thought surprising him at church was already enough as a gift. The gift, a die-cast mini, mini cooper (the car that he wants to buy).

Surprise #3 Photo-Op. For more than a month already, Robert's been trying to steal photos. He even requested me through text one day. So, I made one his wishes come true-- have a picture taken with me. Hahaha. 

1311H SMS from one of you. I get the message to complete surprise #5.
1315H Lunch at Chowking Insular.
1415H At Medical City. Nobody's going for a check up, don't worry. I just accompanied him on an office errand.
1500H Robert tells me to go home to rest already. So I did. He thinks that it's the last he will see me today.

**Surprise #4 was supposed to be a cake to be delivered to his office because he was throwing a small office party, but the circumstances did not allow it because I had to finish Surprise #5.

1600H Home. Had to finish my last surprise. I type each of your warm and touching messages. Print. Cut. Paste on colored paper. Cut. Fold. Tape your picture outside of each to serve as a marker.
Then, I have this Siberian Huskey (his favorite dog) stuffed toy I bought 2 weeks ago, for which I make a cylindical container from a plastic envelope. Punch holes. Tie to its ribbon. Voila: a messenger dog! 
(I took a picture but bluetooth in my pc is not working, so just ask me for the picture when we meet.)
I re-write the "26 things..." to fit the container and so it goes with the format of your messages.
Dog in the bag. Ready to go.

1745H - Suprise #5 finished. Now, how do I give it to him? By this time, he is on his way home because his family is expecting him. He still had to buy wine and bbq. I can't give it tomorrow because by then, the magic is gone... and he still hasn't cried (tears of joy).
1800H - I change clothes and make my way to Bayani Rd for the 2nd time today.

2000H - 
SMS to Robert: Here lang ako Fabula Pharmacy if na kayo eat. 
I give him the gift with the instruction: open the gift when you are ready to sleep. Don't peek. It should be opened when you're done with everything. Otherwise, you'll lose the moment. He obliged.

2200H Home. Satisfied. But not yet ready to sleep until...

2226H 

SMS from Robert: Oooommmmggggod! You are sooooo sweeeeeet, pnooooo mo ginawa yun B,lalo na ung dedication ng achievers... Naiiyak aq grabe.. 

Mission accomplished! His next SMS again confirms this. 
Thanks you alll!!

Now you must be thinking, why go through all of these? And my answer to that is this:

Robert is special and I wanted him to know that. Making other people happy makes me happy.Life is short, if I have an opportunity to make someone cry tears of joy, I grab it.

And my other lessons are these:

Things don't always go the way I plan, but if my intention is clear and pure, God will make way for it to happen. 
Loving should be effortless but going the extra mile has priceless benefits --- more to the giver than to the receiver.
I will never be able to pull through something like this if I was not in Nu Skin. Yes, I could easily file a leave of absence, but I wouldn't get the same awesome messages you gave for Robert. 

Thank you everybody. Anytime you need my help to surprise someone, just tell me. It will be my pleasure.

This message will self-destruct in 10... 9... 8... Haha. Joke lang. 
But seriously, kayo lang ang nakakaalam nito, ha... Unless I decide to post it in my blog. 
Love you all! 

28.09.2011 - As the last of the 26th of September Surprises, I decided to post the message in my blog.